


Soft White and Quiet Blues

by Sidhewrites



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Teen Titans (Comics)
Genre: Conner is a good boyfriend, Established Relationship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Jason Todd Has Issues, JayKon - Freeform, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, tim is a good brother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 23:51:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20714621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sidhewrites/pseuds/Sidhewrites
Summary: Jason leaves after a fight with Dick, and Tim finds out he's been missing for a week after he returns home from a Titans mission.  Before he can begin looking for him himself, Tim recieves a call from a worried Conner, who hasn't been able to reach his boyfriend.





	Soft White and Quiet Blues

Jason killed the engine on his bike, and reaching up with shaking fingers, pulled his helmet off. The buzzing that had been roaring in his ears the whole ride back to the Cave didn’t cease. If anything, it got louder. He swung off the bike and hung his helmet over the handle. He stood there for a few moments, hands fisted at his side, fingers spasming, convulsing almost, as he tried to calm himself down. 

All he could hear was the yelling, gunshots, and more screaming. He clenched his eyes shut tight behind the whiteouts of his red domino mask, taking slow, deep breaths, and holding them for a few seconds before releasing, only to repeat the process all over again. Breathing exercises ingrained from his time as Robin, as much a habit as cleaning his guns was, as much a ritual as anything. 

They weren’t helping tonight. 

Too much noise in his head, too much yelling, too much screaming, and he doesn’t know if it’s echoes from earlier that night, or from his past, but it’s all too loud, and _toomuchtoomuchtoomuch_. His spiraling thoughts grind to a halt as a rough hand gripped his shoulder. He barely restrains himself from drawing his gun when Nightwing spins him around. 

“What the hell was that, Hood?” N's voice is dark and low, creeping closer to Bat than bird. 

Jason blinked behind the dom, realizing he hadn’t even heard Nightwing pull up into the Cave on his own bike. 

“I think it’s called apprehendin’ assholes, bu’maybe th’lingos changed, an’ no one bothered t’tell me.” Jason’s reply sounds robotic even to his own ears, but Nightwing didn’t seem to notice, or care, and Jason isn’t sure which one hurts more. Jason pulls his arm out of the other man’s grip, taking a step back, still trying to calm the noise in his head. An incessant sound that keeps threatening to drown out the world around him. 

“You know that’s not what I meant.” Nightwing’s voice sounds hollow and far away, like he’s at the end of a tunnel, and Jason struggles to stay focused on it 

“Then maybe y’should spell it out f’r me Goldie.” The Cave feels too small and too big all at once, their words echoing back at them, noise pressing in on his skull. “‘Cause all I did, was make damn sure that three idiots won’ ever peddle t’kids again. An’ I didn’ even kill any of’em.” All Jason wants is to go back to his apartment. He wants out of Red Hood, wants the quiet of his apartment, the comfort of his space. 

Nightwing is talking again and it takes more willpower than Jason realized he possessed to focus back on him. 

“......One of them may never walk again, another might lose his hand, and you think that’s okay?” 

Jason titled his head as he took in the older vigilante, who was sounding so much like Batman it was making Jason’s skin crawl. “Lemme think abou’ tha’ fer a second...yup, pretty much.” 

“Why......no I don’t care why. What the hell were you thinking?” 

“I was thinkin', tha’ since I swore I wouldn’ kill anyone, tha’ makin’ sure they could never hurt anyone again was th’next best thing.” 

“Jason -” 

“No, y’don’ get t’lecture me, _Nightprick_. Y’wanted m’help wit’ this, y’know m’stance on peddlin’ to kids. Why th’fuck would y’expect any other outcome?” Jason turned and made a grab for his helmet, more than ready to be done with this whole night. He’s stopped again by Nightwing’s hand wrapping around his arm. 

“Don’t just walk away, Jason -” 

“Let go of me.” Jason had gone completely still as soon as Nighwing’s hand had grabbed his arm, tense and coiled like a loaded spring. His skin was crawling and burning at the same time, that odd dual sensation that he got whenever someone touched him without premission. There were very few people he accepted random touches from. The first Robin was not one of them. 

Nightwing slowly let his hand drop and Jason immediately stepped out of reach, fighting to keep himself from shaking hard enough to notice. Not that he thought Nightwing would, as far up on his high horse as he was. 

The roaring was loud in his ears again, drowning out everything. He could hardly hear himself breathing, let alone if his _ brother _ was trying to say anything to him. He jammed his helmet on his head and swung back onto the bike in one smooth, controlled movement, body moving by muscle memory alone, as he kicked the bike into gear. He sees Nightwing throw an arm up to cover his face, blocking the dirt and rocks the bikes tires kick up as Jason peels out of the Cave. 

* * *

“What do you mean you haven’t heard from Jason in over a week, Dick?” Tim’s voice is sharp, and he doesn’t miss the way his older brother’s shoulders tense slightly. 

Dick crosses his arms over his chest, looking down at Tim steadily from where he’s leaning against the kitchen counter. “It’s exactly what it sounds like. We got into it after he went too far when we took down a drug ring.” 

Tim rolled his eyes, walking across the kitchen to pull down a glass from the cupboard, and getting some water from the fridge. “You know how he feels about drugs, Dick, why -” 

“He nearly killed 3 people.” Dick’s tone is flat, emotionless, Batman. 

Tim froze, glass resting against his bottom lip, blue eyes widening. “That’s...he hasn’t gone that far in a long time.” He took a sip from his glass, and placed it back on the counter before turning his head to look over at Dick. “Did you ask him why?” 

Dick look offended as he answered, letting his hands drop to rest against the counter, fingers curled around the edge. “Of course I did, who do you take me for?” 

Tim stared at his older brother impassively for several moments, taking another sip of his drink. “Did you ask him why and if something was bothering him? Or did you just demand to know what he was thinking? Because those are two very different things, Dick.” The silence that followed Tim’s statement his more than telling enough for Tim, and he walks over to the sink to dump the rest of his glass. 

“Look, it doesn’t matter -” 

“Of course it **matters** Dick!” He whipped his head around to glare at Dick. “This is Jason! He always has a reason for the things he does, even if we don’t always – nope.” Tim slashed a hand through the air, cutting Dick off when he opened his mouth to speak. “You know what? I don’t have time for th-” Tim was cut off himself when his cell started ringing. He covered his other ear as he brought his phone up to his opposite. 

“Conner?” 

“Hey, I know we all just got back, but anyone at the Manor heard from Jay?” Tim winces at the worry he can hear in his best friend’s voice. “I tried calling and I’m not getting any answer, and y’know how he feels about me listening for him.” 

Tim nods even though he knows Conner can’t see him. “Yeah, he hates it, but he’s gonna have to forgive you this time. He and Dick got into it, and no one’s seen him in a week. I’ll text the girls and see if they’ve heard from him, but I’d just start looking for him yourself if I was you.” 

“Right. I’ll text you when I find him.” 

“Thanks, Kon. I owe you.” Tim hit end call button on his phone, and glared at Dick over his shoulder as he turned to head out of the kitchen. “Don’t follow me.” 

* * *

Conner glanced around the dimly lit street for what felt like the hundredth time as he landed lightly on the fire escape outside the window to Jason’s apartment. It was mostly habit, what with Batman’s no metas in Gotham rule, that had the superman clone glancing over his shoulder. Batman was currently out of country on a trip for WE, since Tim had been off-world dealing with Titan business. So, he had no reason to worry about Captain Broodpants popping up and kicking him out of his city. 

He unlocked the window, hitting the correct sequence to disable the alarm, and quickly slipped inside, closing the window quietly behind him. Once he was inside the apartment, he took stock of his surroundings, trying to gauge what kind of mood Jason was in. He winced when he saw the state of the living room alone. Every pillow, couch cushion, and blanket were missing. ‘_Shit. It’s been that kind of week._” 

Conner walked through the living room, heading towards the room Jason usually holed himself up in when he had a bad day, or just wanted some quiet. A quick glance in the two bedrooms showed the blankets and pillows missing from them as well, and the hall closet had been emptied. The twin mattress was even missing from the spare room. 

He came to a stop outside the room at the end of the hall, the one Jay usually used as an office. It had only two entry points, the door into the room, and the window out to the rooftop access ladder, that Jason had installed with Conner’s help. One entrance, and one exit. A great set up for a quick escape should Jason need it. 

He rarely used it, but liked having it as extra security on days he was feeling vulnerable. Not that he would admit that was the reason to anyone, but Conner wasn’t stupid, and he knew his boyfriend’s tells. Jason had told him once that he used to sleep in similar set up’s, when he was living on the streets, and when he first arrived at the Manor. Would sleep in a narrow space with a quick way out the back end that an adult couldn’t get into, so he’d have a way to run if he needed. 

Conner took a breath and knocked on the door, not even touching the handle until Jason acknowledged he was there. While getting shot wouldn’t hurt him, Jason would feel bad once he realized what he’d done. There was silence for several minutes, but before he could knock again, he heard Jason mumble at him to come in. Conner frowned as he turned the handle, opening it slowly in case Jason changed his mind. Jason’s voice sounded rougher than it normally was, and Conner wasn’t sure if it was from disuse or screaming. Both thoughts made his heart hurt. He carefully slipped into the room, taking in the mass of blankets and pillows that had been carefully arranged into a blanket fort. The mattress was on the floor, the table Jason usually used as a desk was turned on its end, on the shorter end, blankets and sheets strung between it and the bookshelf full of Jason’s books, creating a cave of soft white and quiet blues. 

Conner, picked his way across the contents of the desk that had been strewn across the floor, before sitting at the entrance to Jason’s current safe haven. “Hey Jay.” He pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his cheek against them, peering inside the fort. He could make out Jason near the back, curled up as he was, knees to his chest. He was dressed in sweats, bright blue, fuzzy socks, and what looked like one of Conner’s sweaters. The sleeves were a few inches too short on Jason’s longer arms, but Conner recognized the colour, it was one of his older sweaters, soft and worn in. 

Teal eyes lifted up from where Jason had them buried in his knees. Conner frowned internally, at seeing how pale Jason was. All the bats were pale, but Jason was almost sallow, sickly, telling how long Jason had been holed up in here. 

“Y’gonna yell at me to?” 

The rough, scratchy tone of Jason’s voice brings Conner out of his contemplation, and he gives his boyfriend his full attention. “Of course not. Why would I yell at you?” 

“Seems t’be everyone’s favourite pastime lately. Y’may as well join th’party.” 

Conner shrugs, small smile on his face. “I haven’t heard your side yet, just Dick’s from Tim, and I refuse to pass judgment until I have the whole story. Regardless -” He hurried to continue when he saw Jason open his mouth. “When have I ever yelled at you over something like this? Come on Jay, you know me better than that.” 

Jason could only look at him, dumbstruck, eyes blinking rapidly, before he squeezed his eyes shut tight, burying his face back in his knees. 

“Can I come in?” Conner made sure to keep his voice level. While he didn’t know what had set Jason off into this spiral of depression and self-loathing, he was determined to try and help anyway he could, even if that meant leaving the apartment. It had happened before, and it wouldn’t be the first time, or the last. 

It was several seconds of silent waiting until he saw Jason give the barest of nods, but the muttered ‘please’, had him carefully moving into the blanket structure, being mindful of where he put his hands and feet as he crawled in. 

Jason sat close to the middle of his fort and Conner made sure Jason had a clear shot to one of the exits if he felt the need to leave quickly. It had taken a lot of trial and error to get them to where they were now, and Conner was not going to mess up the trust that they had between to satisfy his need to wrap himself around Jason, to protect him from a world that tried to tear it down, just as much as he tried to build it up. 

Conner sat behind Jason, both arms wrapping carefully around the others shoulder’s, letting his legs lay flat on either side of Jason’s still raised ones. He rested his forehead against the back of Jason’s neck, and just breathed. He did his best to match Jason’s rhythm, and then gradually helped Jason to take deeper, more even breaths, until, twenty minutes later, Jason relaxed against him. 

Conner waited a few more minutes, giving Jason time to settle, before asking, “Did you want to talk about it?” 

“Wha’s there t’talk about? I screwed up, again. I -” he cut off with a hiss when Conner tightened his arms around Jason’s shoulders, nipping at the side of his throat. 

Conner speaks into the warm skin of Jason's neck, making sure he hears and feels every word. “You didn’t break Bat’s rule, you didn’t screw up, and that wasn’t what I meant.” 

Jason took a breath, body starting to shake as he thought back to what exactly had started him on this spiral. He raised one of his hands, tangling it with one of Conner’s, squeezing as hard as he could. Not for the first time, thankful that he couldn’t hurt the superman clone. His other hand was rubbing the soft material of the borrowed sweater he was wearing, using the dual sensations to help ground himself. Soft skin, tough as steel, and worn cotton, a comfort he had discovered in his early days at the Manor. 

“My mom.” Jason coughed, took a shuddering breath as he tried to gather the words. “My mom died last week – not last last week, but at this time o’year. Drug overdose. I didn’ want t’go, I didn’ want to help N, knew I wasn’ in a good place, but he asked, an’...” he trailed off shrugging broad shoulders, turning slightly so he could tuck his head under Conner’s chin. 

“He asked, and you didn’t want to disappoint him.” He felt Jason nod against his neck. Conner had lots of things he could have said to that, about how Dick should have realized something was up, since Jason rarely turned down a chance to take out drug dealers. Even if Jay had been hiding it well up until after the bust, Dick _should_ have noticed that something was up with his younger brother, once they made it back to the Cave. He didn’t say any of those things now, though. Jason knew them all already, but they wouldn’t do him any good to hear it now. 

So, he said none of those things. Instead he shifted so his chin was resting more firmly on Jason’s head, and turned the hand Jason was holding so he could bring it to his mouth, kissing the rough calloused palm gently. “How about we get out of Gotham for a bit?” He brought his legs up so he was bracketing Jason in, blocking out the world a bit more now. It was a bit of an awkward position, since Jason had five inches on him and some bulk, but they’d been doing this kind of dance for several years, and they made it work. 

Jason sunk down a bit in Conner’s hold, tucking himself more firmly against the clone’s chest. “An’ go where, ‘xactly?” He didn’t sound opposed to the idea, mostly just curious. 

“Well I may have pulled a few strings before we left and got us some tickets to a performance of ‘_A Midsummer Night’s Dream.’ _at the Globe Theatre, in about two days.” He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from smirking when Jason sat up straight, twisting around to look at him, teal eyes suspicious and wondering at the same time. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah really.” Conner leaned forward and gave his boyfriend a quick kiss. “You mentioned awhile ago that you wouldn’t mind going someday.” He shrugged now, a little unsure of himself. “So, I figured why not now? It’s been awhile since we’ve gone anywhere, we’ve both been busy with Titan or Outlaw business, I think we’ve earned a vacation.” 

Jason was silent for several moments, before he was twisting in Conner’s arms, going up on his knees, top of his head brushing the roof of the fort. Conner let his arms drop from around Jason’s shoulder’s to his waist, raising a dark brow as his taller boyfriend was now looking down at him. 

He sat still as Jason lifted his hands to cup Conner’s face, leaning down to give the man a proper kiss, one that Conner eagerly returned. Once they separated Jason kept his forehead resting against Conner’s, a small smile on his face that Conner couldn’t help kiss the corner of. “I know I don’ say it enough, Kon, but thank you.” 

Conner didn’t ask for what, he knew, so he cupped Jason’s jaw and pulled him in for another kiss. “That mean we’re going to Jolly, old London then?” Conner made sure to ask with the worst british accent he could muster, just to see Jason glare at him. 

“Only if y’promise to **_never_** do tha’ again, Superclone.” 

Conner laughed, squeezing Jason tight around the waist. “Deal. Now come shower with me, I think I still have some alien gunk on my back that I can’t reach.” 

Jason smirked down at him, flicking his nose with a finger, slipping out of the mass of blankets and pillows, when Conner grabbed the slightly stinging appendage. “Knew y’only loved me for m’back washing skills.” 

Conner watched as Jason crawled out of the tent of sheets and blankets, admiring the way Jason seemed to look graceful and predatory, no matter what he did. “I can name several other reasons.” Conner muttered just loud enough for Jason to hear. Jason glanced over his shoulder, a look of disbelief on his face, before it slowly slid into a shy grin. He didn’t say anything else as he exited the tent, standing straight, groaning in satisfaction when his spine popped and cracked. 

Conner floated himself out of the tent, watching as Jason stretched out the kinks from being in a confined space for so long. Jason froze when he saw Kon watching him, like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t of been, before smiling softly again, turning back around and heading out of the room. “You comin'? Or ar'ya jus' gonna stare all day?” 

“Oh I’m planning on doing both.” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively even Jason shot him another glare.

“Not ‘ntil yer clean, Cloneboy.” 

“Whatever you say, Jay.” 

Conner smiled as Jason laughed. It still sounded rough around the edges, but the fact that he was laughing now, eased something Kon’s chest he hadn't realized was wound tight. He fingered the little box that was in the pocket of his jeans, the soft feeling of the leather covered box easing him and making his heart hurt at the same time. He had more than one reason for the trip, beyond getting Jason out of Gotham for a breather. He was going to owe Tim his life ( Jason already owned his soul) for the interference he was going to have to run, but it was so going to be worth it. 


End file.
